If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
