just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
