so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
