As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
