when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
