I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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