Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
