If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
