My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
