is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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