he wants to bone in the snuggie
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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