So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
