I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
