I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
