A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
