I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
