at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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