if you like me you must not know who I am
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
