You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
