We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
