Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and she was petting her beer can
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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