the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
