At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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