I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
