Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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