just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
