i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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