I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
