Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
