just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
