My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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