my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
