you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
