wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
