I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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