Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
