"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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