it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
