Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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