so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
