New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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