I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
