I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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