and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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