i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
