Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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