I accidentally burped into my bong.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
