Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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