i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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