I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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