Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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