OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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