Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
