Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
